Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I dreamt I was listening to my cross and I had lost my temper with it . My hand was accidentally punctured from a sharpened pencil that I had been holding while reprimanding my cross and all of the blood in my body rushed out through this wound. I was angry and complaining bitterly to God about the wound and how unfair the situation was even though I was apparently dying from it. I kept thinking, "Well now it's to late to change anything" and "finally after all of these years, I've figured out how to carry my cross but now it's too late." Oh, the time I've wasted and I hadn't fixed anything! I was angry with myself because of the people who I had hurt and I was angry about that cross and what it had done to me. I felt like God took advantage of my free will and pushed me beyond my capacity. He required more of me that I could give , still it was never enough or so I believed.

Then I was reminded that I had said yes to that cross many years earlier even though I had forgotten. I had become bitter and ungrateful about it and angry with God.
My ungratefulness was made worse by the fact that my salvation comes from that same cross, the one that had brought me to my knees in the confessional- a place that I had previously avoided. It was then that I learned about the communion of saints and their love for us and that they wait to intercede on our behalf, something that I had learned out of desperation. I also learned of the Blessed mother who's a real mother who loves us and assists us with her prayers. (I'm not even fit to write about her) This is the same cross that had filled me with pain and anger and yet had also made me finally feel like a Catholic; since I had missed out on the bells and whistles of our faith as a child, you know the important motions that you go through to make you feel like part of the community.

My cross has made me what I am today and I have been ungrateful for it. Most of what I know about Christ has come from carrying that cross. The day that cross arrived was the day that I embraced my Catholicism on an entirely different level and now I understand that I'm really not worthy of it.

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