Friday, October 9, 2009

This ain't no pity party.

I'm struggling with my companion who's been with me for as long as I can remember. It's like a wresting match between the two of us and sometimes I lose and although normally I keep everything to myself and rarely speak about it, the interior battle rages within,
yet everything looks fine on the outside.
So what's the problem?
It's anxiety and when I'm wrestling with it I can't blog about anything. I'm frozen with fear even though I have multiple posts swirling around inside of my head. It can be so crushing that it becomes difficult for me to talk to people , anybody at all really including family. Here's an example of some of what is thought... "Your too stupid to blog, your unqualified to write about anything....." blah , blah, blah, and then it turns really nasty towards me. The hatred is incapacitating. It's only compounded by the fact that I know that some of the mean stuff is true, but even so I continue to struggle and move forward and more determined than I was before. I've learned a few secrets about it lately, for example , how to identify some of the patterns that I have been falling into and why I succumb. I have been given a few interior graces to avoid a pitfall of a particular sin (40 years now) that I have always fallen for. I've been praying for help and help has been given to me in increments so that I can learn to process and use it . Help always comes but not before the struggle and sometimes the struggle can take years , but Christ doesn't remove the struggles from us , he just gives us the graces to endure and overcome them.
I've learned that for me , humor and logic take it's place when it passes and that this race will continue to get tougher as I get closer to my goal, but I'm unqualified to talk about such things.. or anything really.
*Please don't say anything nice about me to make me feel better. Honestly, I am not fishing for compliments. ( you christians can be so sweet ) I'm just saying that I'm struggling and that's why I disapear from the world for chunks of time.
I plan on winning this struggle in the end, but not through own merit , but through the merits of Christs redemption, the source of all grace.


Vincenzo said...

I want a taco.

Elizabeth Mahlou said...

Have you ever considered talking to a Christian counselor (psychologist) about these feelings? I don't think God ever meant us to overcome our weaknesses and difficulties alone. We are the body of Christ; that means we do have each other -- and a Christian counselor has probably encountered what you are experiencing many times before and may be able to bring you some much-needed relief.

Good luck and may God be with you!

belinda said...

Yes, I've considered it, but I have had too many run-in's with these people and their weird ideas.

I had a daughter that was eating disordered and I had to meet with a lot of different professionals. A few doctors had been beneficial- when they didn't have her drugged, however this same child believes that her healing came from Christ and not from those people even though they occasionally had some good practical advice ,but most of the times it was simply bull crap. What struck me is that I never have seen a psychologist laugh and most often they were hateful and condescending. Oh, when I would speak to one Dr.she wrote fast and furiously about me, she wouldn't look at me , she just kept writing. She was livid.

I have watched them pass out medication like candy and not really do the hard work of finding out the root of the illness.

Let me put it this way , my child got better all of a sudden when the insurance ran out, and she came home still sick.

I have always believed that people who are mentally ill want so very much to be healthy that they often go into this profession. I have disdain for the majority of these people.

BYW.. Dr.Phil was from Kansas originally and boy is the gossip unflattering.
If you go to your physician for a broken leg he will give you medication and treatment for your broken leg however when you get back home you are the one that still has to deal with a broken leg and pain from that leg.Doctors can't take away all of your pain and should we always try to avoid pain?
Pain brings a lot of personal growth, and it can draw is closer to Christ. I often think that when people suffer it's Christ inviting them to share in his sufferings and in his cross. Should we tell him no?

I believe that my struggle is not out of the ordinary. Every body's going to suffer... either physically or mentally it's part of the human condition and it's what you do with that suffering that makes or breaks a soul. Remember It's our soul that's at stake here and it's priceless to God. Satan will do anything to ruin Gods plans for you even if that means crushing you either spiritually, mentally, or physically. So, no I don't plan on talking to anyone except my Priest.

Ephesians 6 Found 2

12 For our wrestling is not against flesh and blood; but against principalities and power, against the rulers of the world of this darkness, against the spirits of wickedness in the high places.
I guess I shouldn't have posted about this. I'm just trying to be "real". I don't like fake ,phony, or pretentious people. Besides, the day's of obtaining medications may be coming to a close for Christians without chips. It's coming...

Elizabeth Mahlou said...

Just a quick response because your response calls it forth:

I think you were justified in posting. I know for a fact you are not alone. (And yes, I share your concern about the mental health or lack of charity of the majority of psychologists -- and have posted about some negative aspects associated with my son Doah on my site -- but I have also seen some good Christian counselors actually help people. (And I have seen some priests and spiritual directors who have also helped.) I am certain that God will, in time, lead you to the person who can help you, or He will help you Himself.

God bless you!


Monica Edith said...

I've just visited 2 of my favorite blogs in a row, and both of you are voicing similar laments.
The devil is on the prowl... Don't let him win!

belinda said...

Dear Beth, thank you for your kindness towards me. I should have simply said, "no pain, no gain". I am not necessarly asking to be healed either, but I wanted to explain to my 3 regular blog readers why I disapear off of the net sometimes.

Monica, Thank you for the encouragment. :)
Here's what he likes...
chocolate cake..
black rice..
dark chocolate by the bagful till he gets a buzz...
Pancakes and waffles till the syrup drips all over his keyboard...oops, that's me.
Itallian food...
and now aparently Mexican food. I can't get enough Mexican food either I understand.

Vincenzo said...

LOL. Sorry, you wrote "*Please don't say anything nice about me to make me feel better." Since I had wanted to write something nice, but didn't want to ignore your request, tacos were the only other thing that came to mind at the time..
I can't get enough Mex. food either. Particularly guacamole.

Cathy_of_Alex said...

Belinda: Welcome back. Vin probably just ordered a taco pizza.

Melody K said...

Belinda, you're not alone. Believe me, I know what anxiety is like. I have it in connection with a particular situation, which I can't avoid. I've seen lots written on irrational fears; I've never seen much on dealing with well-founded fears, except trying to give the situation to God. I guess that is what one ultimately has to do.
I glad you shared; your post isn't phony or not-real at all.
I hope your daughter is now doing okay.